I have been hearing about relationships over that couple of weeks, and those couples having a difficult time during the holiday seasons. We all get tense over things sometimes, if your time is now read on….
Recently I have been helping a couple who hate holiday times, in fact, they don’t like weekends much either. Monday to Friday they jog along in comparative harmony, knowing their space and fitting in the communal jobs and activities… all good.
But when this basic routine is changed, even by a Saturday turning out to have the wrong weather, they both become agitated and cross. It’s almost like they become different people.
Even though they profess to love each other, they don’t like each other very much. It seems they have irritating habits, unseen or at least unnoticed when they first got together.
Working on these habits or behaviours and seeing how infuriating they were, drew my attention to their lack of communication. Instead of saying, “Please don’t do that” they just got angry and shouted!
So, the first part of the work on their marriage was to restore, actually to start, a channel of communication built on trust and love.
“I know you don’t mean to be so annoying but….” It was not quite what I wanted.
Much better to say, “You know I love you, but could you not do …. when I am trying to … ” for instance.
Then followed by “Sorry hunny, I forgot”… simple, clean and loving.
The softer the approach the less likely the issues will escalate.
That does not mean you allow your partner to trample on your ideas, thoughts and behaviour, but to find a happy medium, a way of co-operation, that is called marriage or cohabitation, living in harmony and it can be done.
Some techniques diffuse a situation, there are words you can use and body language you can master, and there are grown-up ways to conduct your life.
Playground behaviour is not becoming; childish, infantile screaming is not what a good relationship is all about. Nor is accepting bullying behaviour from another, if it is your time to grow up and into a happier relationship let me know.
Only at stage one and some way to go with this couple, but if you feel an argument starting, stop it there, be the kind one, be the one to apologise….it makes for a happy life.
Change is all we have, changing the way we relate to each other is a fundamental part of learning about ourselves and creating a better life for those we love and ourselves.
Diane – learned my lessons over the years, so I understand just how you feel