I wrote this piece in 2004 after a move to Gloucester with my husband. He was already suffering from Altzheimers and he died 2014.
It’s a sunny day, with little wind and the warming spring sun feels good on my face. Thoughts fill my mind; I feel uneasy and don’t not know why.
As long as they can get from A to B, find water, eat, mate, lay eggs, grow a brood of super fluffy ducklings they are made up…!
Why is it that humans are totally unable to get this right, or should I say, me in particular?
We all seem to struggle through life; we have to have money to live, therefore we have to work, sometimes at something that is not good for us. We get the money and spend it on things we don’t need, have children but less time for them, then…. if you are lucky to live to a decent age, you get a small pension and……well basically that’s it!
Contemplating the mysteries of the universe has been my on-going journey for many years. I keep up with the political upheavals and wars, worry over mass killings and migrations, consider long into the night over viruses that kill and maim and generally find that life is too tough, for far too many people.
Whilst I, on the other hand have a relatively cushy number…just not fair; no seems not….But I am willing to forego my life to help another; in theory absolutely. In fact, I doubt it…
Rather like the duck, my life wanders between A and B; with the added disadvantage that I think…or so it seems.
I think therefore I am ‘to quote René Descartes’…that just means that if we are able to think and philosophise, we are actually alive and present. I have met many people who are alive and well but are unable to think…so this is a one-way trade I guess…
Over thinking seems to a trait of us older women; men mostly just live, duck like, where many of us old girls have thoughts and ambitions that should have been put to out to grass years ago.
As mentioned I have an unhealthy interest in the world of politics and pain; living vicariously in the no-person land, unable to help, unable to make anything better.
For about forty years I have also been a student of New Age thought and practises; I use crystals, dowse, use emotional techniques, give Reiki and the rest, which I find fulfilling but only in a temporary way.
I fail to practice on me …!
So back to the day. Having reflected that my life is good but not fulfilled, that I have no idea where I am going, apart from the crematorium at some stage (later hopefully), I have decided to let go of the assumptions, the learning, the worrying and the past.
I too can be like a duck; taking just one moment at a time, paddling furiously whilst holding my head high …. And the good thing is … no one will notice the difference!
Back to the duck pond.
It seems that all is not as easy as it seemed. Two fluffy ducklings have been picked off by pike or greedy herons… Mr Duck as gone AWOL, Mrs Duck is hungry and still looking after three offspring. Sound familiar? Well hopefully not about losing ducklings, but you get my drift?
Life is never easy for anyone or anything…. So now I can stop trying to make it right…or…….
The sun’s gone behind a cloud, I can feel rain in the air…. I’d better go home.
Thinking how fortunate I am to have one. Back to my Mr Duck who is never AWOL, back to our broods of grown-ups and youngsters, back to life that is truly fulfilled; I just had to be reminded.
I still have to learn how to quack, but paddling is second nature now!
Maybe I have learned a bit more since then….blessed and happy xx